It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.
Cheese: No.
Just so funny
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.