Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
You Might Also Like
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that
microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names