@myles_morrison

It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.

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@gneicco

Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.

@elizabeth_fels

PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him

ELENA: He’s not!

PUTIN: (softly) u…s…

[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!

@TheHatStore

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

@ddsmidt

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

@TheHyyyype

waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again

@dixonshuman

My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.

@jergarl

I walked out naked one time and she’s like wtf. And I’m like this is how god made me! And she’s like no that’s how beer and tacos made you.

@gerryhallcomedy

My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.