@myles_morrison

It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.

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@SteveKoehler22

Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.

@sofarrsogud

[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.

@QwertyJones3

[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test

@mommajessiec

There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.

@several_sins

I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.

@bartandsoul

A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town

@six_2_and_even

My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there

@Brentweets

If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.

@AbbyHasIssues

I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.

@Samzen_

I throw my poop to birds to give them a taste of the parallel universe.