It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.

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Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?

A. At a secondhand store.


PUTIN: If your American lover is in this room I’ll kill him

ELENA: He’s not!

PUTIN: (softly) u…s…

[bursting from closet] A! USA! USA!


me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no


Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.


waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined

me: run it again

waiter: i ran it three times

me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?

her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again


My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.


I walked out naked one time and she’s like wtf. And I’m like this is how god made me! And she’s like no that’s how beer and tacos made you.


My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.

Breakfast is weird at my house.