You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
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I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
This guy’s not having it 😆
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
[waiting at the dentist]
Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
I didn’t get a dog for the love and companionship, I got a dog so I would have an excuse to walk around my neighborhood in my pajamas between the hours of 4 am and 7 am
Thanks to my friends for getting me so drunk,that I had to hold on to the grass to keep from falling off of my front yard.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.