It’s easier to get away with stealing someone’s stroller if you’re dressed as a jogger.

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Damn you, Autocorrect !

Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?

You are the banner of my existence.


[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]

HER: Aw, this makes my day.

ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.


[doctor hooking wires to my chest]

ME: What are you doing?

DOC: Echocardiogram

ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test


There was 15 Oreo cookies left, so to give each of my 4 children the same, I was forced to eat 11 of them.


I moved out of my parents house so I could have sex whenever I wanted, I had no idea it would always be with myself.


A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town


My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there


If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.


I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.

Now I’m having a great weekend.


I throw my poop to birds to give them a taste of the parallel universe.