I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
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I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I like to sit in the hotel hot tub with a bunch of potatoes, peas & carrots. I introduce myself as Stew.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”