@hippieswordfish

it’s easy as pie!

‘what does that even mean?’

*pie stumbles in drunk*
pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge

‘oh’

You Might Also Like

@KentWGraham

My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.

@tastefactory

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

@sucittaM

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

@Elizasoul80

Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?

“Yes, everyone.”

@Kryzazy

Dear Human,
I don’t want to eat right this second, however there seems to be one kibble of my food missing and I can almost see the bottom of my bowl. I’m going to sing the song of my people until you fix this cruel mess.
-Cats

@kashanacauley

What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.

@HumanPog

one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk

@Donna_McCoy

I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.

@seamusmckracken

When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.

Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.

@Alex_N_Chains

I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.