My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
it’s easy as pie!
‘what does that even mean?’
*pie stumbles in drunk*
pie: i just had sex with the homeless guy under the bridge
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COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
I don’t want to eat right this second, however there seems to be one kibble of my food missing and I can almost see the bottom of my bowl. I’m going to sing the song of my people until you fix this cruel mess.
What we’ve learned from this skittles incident is that we should all stop eating refugees.
one time i went to the bathroom and i didn’t know my xbox headset was still on and the other gamers heard me give myself a pep talk
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.