Just as the prophecy foretold
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I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Me: I’m terrible at fractions
Also me, at work: In another 23 minutes I’ll be 64/73rds through the day
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.