[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
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Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL