It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
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Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Neighbors across the street have their Christmas lights up, so I invited them to my Easter Egg hunt this afternoon.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”