its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.

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ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintext

this guy is not your man.

this guy is mark zuckerberg.


Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?


*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.


Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.


my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it


Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once


If I’ve learned anything from Twitter, it’s that you shouldn’t be learning on Twitter.


I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.


[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.


Wife: “Tony is coming round”

Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”

Tony: “I’m here for the money.”