its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
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*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
She was REALLY feeling it.
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out