It’s embarrassing when you offer a bus seat to a pregnant woman but she’s not a pregnant woman, he’s your boss and you’re stoned at work.

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Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.


And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.


Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”


How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.


Oh, so you make the bed everyday…I suppose you’re also the type of snob that folds your clothes and puts them in “drawers.”


Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel


I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.


cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night


You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job.