@drhappyknuckles

It’s embarrassing when you offer a bus seat to a pregnant woman but she’s not a pregnant woman, he’s your boss and you’re stoned at work.

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@neiltyson

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

@simoncholland

And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.

@Jake_Vig

Today’s assignment:

If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”

@thatUPSdude

How to pick up a woman at Walmart.

Very slowly and team lift with your legs.

@MableGertrude

Oh, so you make the bed everyday…I suppose you’re also the type of snob that folds your clothes and puts them in “drawers.”

@Steelers1972

Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel

@Fickle_Filly

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

@ch000ch

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

@NYC_Blonde

You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it date an emotionally available, age-appropriate, nice, single guy with a good job.