It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
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“Wait, let me explain..”
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no
me: i should go to sleep
brain: read every political tweet that’s ever been written. let the rage fuel you. sleep is for the weak
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.