@DearAuntAbby

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

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@MajorFlake

Give a man a fish and he will think, “What a creepy gift.” Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom”

@climaxximus

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

@ArfMeasures

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

@LeBearGirdle

Boss: [to coworker] print out that document, and in the meantime-

Me: [from the other end of the office] DID SOMEONE SAY MEAN TIME?!

boss: oh God

Me: [stands up on Barbs desk] your kids are ugly as shit, Barb!

@HatfieldAnne

You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.

@Home_Halfway

A cannibal and his vegetarian friend go to brunch. They both order a danish.

@onedavedeep

Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”

@Ygrene

Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer

@mrsmith196645

I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.

I saw a butterfly.