It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
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Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
[job interview]
Interviewer: Mind if I call one of your references right now?
Me: Sure, go ahead
Interviewer: [dials number]
Me: [answering the phone ringing in my pocket while putting on a cowboy hat] HOWDY PARTNER
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Siri, fight Alexa.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
Therapist: You have passive aggressive issues.
Me (under my breath): says the woman who only listens to my troubles because I pay her.