it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
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Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.