it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
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nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
me linking you to my twitter
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
her: have you ever erotically fed someone before?
me: *making airplane noises* why
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST