It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
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nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Me: *singing “Don’t stop believing”*
Joe: What are you doing?
Me: Practicing for Journey duty
J: You mean Jury duty?
M: No, it says…shit
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.