‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
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She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
step 6: release the wall snake
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Happy Star Wars day!
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
So, a shipment of crickets for the lizard arrived via FedEx today. It was my first time ordering bulk crickets off the internet, and I naively assumed that they would be in like, a bag or some other contraption to facilitate easy transfer to another container. They were not.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.