It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
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Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’