@simoncholland

It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

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@SpaceCatPics

“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”

@junejuly12

Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!

@ColoChiver

Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.

@NeverEnd88

My husband and I have been practicing Social Distancing for 11 years now…..we got this.

@TheAlexNevil

Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.

@SnarkyMommy78

You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.

@SentenceReduced

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

@inmyimage007

My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume

@JCWisdomNuggets

Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.