It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”

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“removed the top of my desk for cleaning. cat did not understand”


Me: I choose Truth!

Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?

Me: …I choose Dare!


Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.


My husband and I have been practicing Social Distancing for 11 years now…..we got this.


Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.

Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.


You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.


[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]


My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume


Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.