It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
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One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
How software testing works
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
If your name is Marco and you were in the dentist office waiting room this morning, just wanted to apologize for my three teenage daughters yelling, ‘Polo’ in unison after they called your name.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Uh oh…
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
[snowman rings doorbell]
Pardon me, but I overheard someone say something about a “snow blower” and was wondering where I might find one.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.