@whatmaddness

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

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@shutupmikeginn

Job Posting: local pond looking to hire tadpole, must have previous experience as frog

@david8hughes

The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.

@UnFitz

Them: You have a choice-

Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.

@BobbyBigWheel

Meanwhile India is just blown away that you can get Britain to leave by voting

@KissabiX

Me: My back molar’s really sensitive

Dentist: I’m not surprised, it’s covered in plaque

Me: *angrily shushing him* I said REALLY sensitive

@KMoFlo_official

8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?

Me: Yeah, usually.

8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.