@whatmaddness

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

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@primawesome

Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.

@dadmann_walking

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

@the_tsai_guy

People who tie their sweaters around their necks look like they were giving somebody a piggyback ride before the person got Raptured.

@KeetPotato

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

@BuckyIsotope

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

@7_Cents

Vin Diesel: Is it fast?

Car Salesman: Yes, sir. It is very fast.

Vin Diesel: Oh yeah? *leans in close* Is it furious?

@Robert_Beau

At the motel:

Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..

Me: I’d like a wakeup call.

FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.

@TheMichaelRock

I just had a coughing fit and think I accidently created a Nicki Minaj song featuring Ke$ha.

Sorry, you guys.

@QwertyJones3

I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.