It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
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I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
SURVIVOR: Hey, we wrote this 4 hour song explaining the entire anatomy of tigers!
PRODUCER: You can sing about ONE tiger body part:
SURVIVOR: *Sadly* Eye, I guess.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college
If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”