It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
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My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
“Owen, you must hide this baby, at all costs, from Anakin Skywalker.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“Seems fine.”
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
Gun control sounds like a dangerous but exciting way to change the channel
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I hate people who make grandma mistakes.
“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”
*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*
I know what I said.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools