@Amusitr0n

It’s freedom of expression.

Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes

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@lloydrang

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

@junejuly12

Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?

@bestestname

I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.

@LeagueofNope

I have never once hit a drink or treated one badly so don’t tell me about alcohol abuse!

@thatcarlygirl

What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog

@UncleDuke1969

[restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

@HatfieldAnne

You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.

@AbbyHasIssues

It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Blacksmith *shoes a horse*

Swordsmith *forges a blade*

Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*

@lisaOoOo

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.