It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
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I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
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My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.
[teaching teen to drive]
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie.
Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat?
Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.