It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
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5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Me: *holds up my phone showing my tweet has a total of 6 favorites*
Bouncer: you still can’t go in
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
FYI: I guess the goal of bobbing for apples is not who can drink all the water.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*