It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

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Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.


*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better


3 horrible things in life: 1) Seeing your mom cry. 2) Seeing the love of your life fall in love with somebody else. 3) Slow Internet.


You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three


Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.


I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing


Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”


[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*


I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.