It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
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My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
I don’t like coconut so I don’t eat coconut. I don’t follow coconut around criticizing its texture or taste or tweets or sense of humor.
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
When a guy asks me for pics, I send pics of Margaret Thatcher.
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Me: you know what’s sexy?
Mirror: no
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.