it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
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Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Me: I’d like to apologise for my behaviour
Host: No need, you haven’t done anything wrong
Me: I haven’t started yet
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
If someone tells me, “no rush” then I’m basically never doing it.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Judging by the hair on my black shirt , I’m surprised I have any cat left at all.
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
The prophecy is fulfilled
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I’m listening
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.