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me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
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*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
My favorite Easter tradition is changing the subject when my mom calls and asks if I went to church.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!