It’s fun to watch a waitress flirt with my husband for an entire meal, then see that look of betrayal as I take the check from her hand.

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Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.


Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.


cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine


*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*


*slams brakes*

Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture


My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them


Amish friend sets up a divider across the tent.

Me: what are you doing?

AF: You’re not amish. I am supposed to shun you. We may not sleep under the same roof.

Me: you’re going to hell, you know. The road to hell is paved with good in-tent shuns

*Shunning intensifies*


I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.


ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!

FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones

ME: i don’t


I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food.
Because I have no idea where sandwiches live…


I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.