Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
It’s fun to watch a waitress flirt with my husband for an entire meal, then see that look of betrayal as I take the check from her hand.
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Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*
Wife: OH MY GOD
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
Amish friend sets up a divider across the tent.
Me: what are you doing?
AF: You’re not amish. I am supposed to shun you. We may not sleep under the same roof.
Me: you’re going to hell, you know. The road to hell is paved with good in-tent shuns
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
I’m glad I don’t have to hunt for my food.
Because I have no idea where sandwiches live…
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.