Me: My son totaled another car.
Progressive: I see that you insure 3 teen sons?
M: yes
P: *covers phone* HEY GUYS, WE’RE GOING TO ARUBA!
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Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Ah..makes sense now
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?
Some peanut butter M&M’s just rolled under the fridge, and now I understand every sad love song ever written.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Her: *drinking green smoothie* Try this. It’s all natural.
Me: Lava is all natural but you won’t see me drinking it.
#Caturday
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.