it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
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Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
shit just got real
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
My love language is deader than Latin
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Beware of fowl play.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.