It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
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[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
I work hard.
I play hard.
I do the groceries hard.
I cook hard.
I read hard.
I laugh hard.
I watch tv hard.– Viagra addict
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?