*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
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I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
[invention of fish net stockings]
fisherman 1: Help! I got caught in the fish net!
fisherman 2: is it just me or is dave looking a little … hot?
fisherman 3: no dave is definitely being hot rn
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
When your parents check you’re ok.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.