@awescar

It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

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@Dallani

My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.

@shariv67

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

@relatabledad

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

@bobvulfov

day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen

@jake_likes_naps

The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single

@Jake_Vig

If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.

@Derpey

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.

@TravLeBlanc

“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies