It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”

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My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.


The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.


[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*


day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island

day 18: im starting to think that help will never come

day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!

day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen


The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single


If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.


Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side.


“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies