It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
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Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
Why did the new psychology student eat their textbook?
Because the professor said it was a piece of cake!
😂
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
TRUE STORY
Just made this restaurant change its “All you can drink Brunch” Policy.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?
BF: just turn it around.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.