It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
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Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier