[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
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i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
I’m suspicious of polyamory because a good relationship is like a conspiracy to assassinate the president. You must trust in your fellow conspirators completely, so you have to keep the group as small as possible.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?