I like to take my pants off in the middle of arguments so they end quicker.
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I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
January 29, 1802, 2 AM: I hope this letter finds you well. Are you up?
March 2: I am, good sir
April 6: Would you kindly come over?
May 9: K
Wait a second…
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
ME: *cracking open a 6-pack*
FRIEND: Is that… pudding?
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂