If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
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Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
ME: I still think our hairiest son is my favourite
WIFE: First of all you shouldn’t have favourites and second of all that’s the dog
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?
Random person who answered the phone: Yes.
Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.