Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
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that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
SCARY COSTUME
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.