It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Cop: where ya headed?
“the gym”
Cop: im gonna save you a lot of embarrassment and arrest you
“thank you so much, officer”
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt