DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
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This kid will have a bright future.
There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Me: *making out with GF on couch* Your parents are out. Why don’t we take it up a notch?
Her Dad: *crashes in thru window* Touch that thermostat and you’re dead
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster