It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
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Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
What about second breakfast?
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.