@MableGertrude

It’s funny how you become mom’s new favorite when your sibling is in jail.

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@JeffLoveness

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

@Ygrene

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

@xLiserx

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.

@Coolisiana

(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense

@3sunzzz

Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?

@fro_vo

*burger king manager pulls me aside on my first day working there* when they say hold the pickle you don’t have to physically hold it

@bourgeoisalien

Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.

@RobbyActually

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat