Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
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A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*