It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
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11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re critical
me: I meant medically
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB