Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
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me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them