It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
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Storm Tropical Storm
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
My husband pissed me off so I bought another half-dozen throw pillows for our bed.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained