It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??

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Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was


Remember when I told you to be yourself? I think we should revisit that.


Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?

Me: You mean like water water or bath water?


[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day


Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all


My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.


Kanye West said being a rapper is like being a soldier or a cop but hey at least he didn’t compare himself to Jesus. Oh wait.


Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.


PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi