Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
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A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
This hospital has everything
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Class action lawsuits are gangs for white people.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long