*buys extra movie ticket seat so I’ll have a place to put my microwave bc I’ll be damned if I’m paying that much for popcorn
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
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All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
Handcuff her and tell her you’re taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can’t escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class…. long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car
Placing my signature wherever i go. Because, signature move!
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*