@mattgallo123

It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.

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@wickedsuga

*buys extra movie ticket seat so I’ll have a place to put my microwave bc I’ll be damned if I’m paying that much for popcorn

@RodLacroix

All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.

@causticbob

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

@david8hughes

[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then

@SeiYoung83

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

@Eightinchgoat

Fun trick:

Handcuff her and tell her you’re taking her to 50 Shades of Grey. That way she can’t escape when you go to The SpongeBob Movie.

@batkaren

HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES

– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries

– find them 3 months later

– look both ways

– slip them into the trash

@kbizzo30

Took the only water bottle from my car that wasn’t frozen to class…. long story short which one of my friends left a water bottle full of Malibu in my car

@k8ieokay

Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?

*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*