It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
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COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
[adds another nod to the conversation]
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles