[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
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Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
as is their right
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
what
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”