It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
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I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
You drink WAY too much, and you have questionable morals . . .
me talking to myself in the mirror before going out at night .
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I love you…
…r dog.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
ʸ
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car