It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
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[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
I’m walking on sunshine, AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH and I’m startin’ to feel
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH THIS IS TERRIBLE
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Good point.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.